J's Musings

These days, I listen to the same 10 songs on loop and seem to eat the same 5 foods every day. I repeat my outfits too much and watch the same rotten shows. There is so much I want to do and so many things I can’t seem to make time for.

In all honesty, that is mostly my fault. I procrastinate and put off things I can actually get done in less than half a day.

When I think about it, as a 14-year-old, there is so much going on in my life these days; I seek comfort too much. From consuming the same media all day, I create a sort of reliable cushion to fall on. I don’t mind that.

I mind my other modes of comfort, or more truthfully, avoidance. I scroll for too long, watch YouTube instead of focusing on my tasks and feel tired because of the time I spend online.

I consider deleting my social media. Not just uninstalling the app, but also my account. It gets difficult to avoid when it’s “right there”. I also know I should exercise better self-control. But aren’t I a child?

Or am I in that awkward space where I am neither child nor adult?

The thoughts of what I will be and what I was exchanged in a lawless ping pong.

When I cannot rely on anyone, I turn to myself and the excessive buffet of things to do to avoid thinking. That’s not who I am, though. I need to think, reflect, understand, and write or create something out of those findings.

‘Maybe I will wake up tomorrow morning and have better self-control, improved discipline, clearer honesty, act less with impulse, and hopefully not let more work pile up.’ I think that each night.

I take small steps toward being better, but I’m not satisfied. I don’t see any huge difference each day, and that is disappointing.

Until- I remind myself that I am trying, making progress, and am dedicated. Work has a way of piling up, no matter the efficiency, and progress is often slower than my brain in math.  

As for comfort, I want to play the guitar, write, paint, draw, dance, create- That is all I want to do. Create just a bit more than I consume.

I don’t mind consuming. I just don’t want mindless consumption. I hope to be present when I take in. I want to read, watch good movies, fun movies, listen to music and podcasts, watch vlogs and video essays, scroll reels even. But when I do that, I hope I am registering it and not just listening or looking to avoid something else.

This week, I hope I get even better than I have been so far. Maybe I’ll exercise for an hour instead of 40 minutes and swap my 3 hours of screentime with something more… not productive, but engaging. Maybe I can play the guitar or actually finish all my homework in one day! Who knows? The world is full of wonders.

I think I am going to learn a new choreography this week. I will keep you updated.

Till then, I hope we can all remember to be gentle with ourselves and treat ourselves with the same kind consideration we have for others. We are all trying here, and that is going to get us where we want to be. Even if that is just knowing where we want to be.

Love,

Janhavi ❤

Picture Credits: leighpod on Pinterest

The songs I have on repeat right now:

Don’t say you love me – Jin

0 x 1 = LOVESONG [I know I love You] – TXT, Sori

LO$ER = LO<3ER – TXT

LMLY – Jackson Wang

We fell in love in October – Girl in Red

Always Love – D4VD, Hyunjin

In My Head – StrayKids

0801 – StrayKids

Why’d you only call me when you’re high? – Arctic Monkeys

Sway – Michael Buble

Hug – Seventeen

Do I wanna know? – Arctic Monkeys

Feel free to share your progress or thoughts/opinions in the comments ~