I haven’t written of my own free will in almost 100 days. Someone liked my post about letters I cannot send and it reminded me of why I write. Pouring myself out to people who don’t know me and people I don’t know either is almost therapeutic. looking back on that post I saw my opening lines; ‘I think about not posting today. Skip the routine. But I cannot do that. I will stop posting and go completely off the grid if I don’t post.’ And I guess I wasn’t lying. One fine day, I decided not to post just once and it’s been spiralling out of hand ever since.

What I have realised in all this time is that when writing doesn’t come to me, forcing myself to go there is only a waste. A bit like what Ursula told Kiki about flying. When you can’t fly, do anything and everything but trying to fly. And soon you will soar again. I have noticed that all art is the same in this prospect. The more you chase it, the more it slips away. Taking a break and letting yourself indulge in consuming instead of creating isn’t the worst thing.

It is sort of like breathing in, in order to breathe out. Consuming is essential to creating. I also blame school and the final year at that. I haven’t had much time to sit down with my thoughts since June. No journalling or even reading.

Sometimes days take up so much of energy, sitting in front of the TV and consuming passive media feels like a massage.

When I saw that like in my mail and read my old post, I realised I needed to write vulnerably reviews and fiction is all well and good, but nothing is quite the same a digital diary when you’re fourteen and wishing someone liked you.

I watched shows I’ve grown to love, listened to music beyond BTS, watched more youtube than is good for most sane people, hated on channels with too many devices and learn to break free of the sad girl, vintage, and maximalist aesthetic.

With my birthday coming up, I can see the return of my arts and I can only hope that I dedicate myself to writing what I want to write over what should be written.

Because, if anything, what drew me away from writing wasn’t the writing itself, but my desperate attempt at writing bout anything and everything except for what I wanted to write about. Book reviews, articles, stories; they look great for college. But as a writer, if I get bored of my craft, then it’s time to reflect on how I’m utilising it and who I’m utilising it for.

It’s’ve posted so often about coming back, this feels almost silly. Then again, it isn’t half as bad as not writing at all. So even if it’s just a bunch of diary entries, I ant to start writing again. I hope I can be as consistent as possible with this crazy school year going on, but I want to try, and I want to do my best to remind myself of my identity beyond being a student.

Thank you, if you’ve waited for me. And thank you, to the one who has brought me back here, i hope you find this before anyone else does.

Love,

Janhavi